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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Even more Questions

You may get this more if you read (or re-read) these older posts: "A Serious One" from 4/6/08 "Alphabet diseases" from 11/13/07 and "Questions" from 1/20/08

I am still trying to get answers to the Questions asked in the post above. I have not found any that are worthy of printing. I have come up with more questions:

How does one handle seeing the continual decline of their spouse and not being able to do a thing about it?

How do you take the inability of your 53 year old wife to get out of bed, or in and out of the shower unaided?

How do you answer questions that beg not to be asked, like: will I see Bailey (our daughter, a rising senior)graduate; will Hannah (our granddaughter - almost 3) remember me; or will I see Landon (or grandson - 6 months) walk?

How do you comfort your bride of 35+ years when she looks at you with tears streaming down her face?

Most of all, how do you offer support and help when you are so damn mad at the world and the situation that all you want to do is scream!? When even your best efforts just don't cut it. When nothing at all makes it go away!?! When the best that doctors can do is "See you in three months".

If you are diagnosed with cancer; even one of the terrible ones, there are treatments and a chance of recovery or remission. Most cancers now have a good recovery rate. (before anyone with cancer takes offense, I am not making light of cancer, just comparisons) She does not get that. We get a gradual, progressive march downhill, with nothing to assist or offer hope.

55 is not a time to be facing the death of a spouse. There is never a good time, but with a known life expectancy in this country of well over 70+, a few decades more might have helped. 53 is definitely not the time to be facing ones own death. As frustrating as this time is for me, I cannot fathom what it must be like to be on the other side of this.

This disease is like the elephant in the room. Everyone can see it, everyone has his or her reaction to it; no one comments on it.

Our kids have stepped it up since the "Questions" post of above. I still get asked "How is your wife?" from people that just want to hear - O.K. or at worst - "about the same". I appreciate the thought (when asked sincerely, not conversationally), I just get weary of the answer.

Down enough yet? I know I am.

Comments welcomed, support for my wife - demanded.

4 comments:

David said...

I am afraid these are questions that have no answers, but rather just lead in to more questions. These are dark hours of our lives, and it will continue to get nothing but darker. And though it is much tougher to actually do than say, we must accept that the darkest hour will eventually come. But instead of dwelling on it and just sadly waiting for it to come, we need to enjoy and truly soak in every second we have. There are no guarantees in life. I could easily be gone before Bailey graduates or Landon walks. No one knows their life's schedule. Some may be given a better clue, but no one truly knows. I will not sit back and remorsefully wait! I will continue to build memories and appreciate every second I have; because as I said, it could be my last second and never know it. This is not a " Jim Valvano never give up" type speech, but rather a "lets make the best of what we have". I am not saying ingore it and put on a fake smile while pictures are snapped. Rather lets rally around this together and make the best of what we were given! There will definitely be times for thought and sorrow, but this is not how we should spend all of our time. Again, this is all easier said than done, but we all have to start somewhere...I think I have found my "somewhere"...have you?

Kimberly said...

My somewhere begins at 1678 Park Terrace Ln and the world out there that my mom can still explore with my help. She deserves the best and to make the most of what she can. Some questions can't have answers or we would know everything. As a wise loving person once told me, it is time like these when our own faith will be tested. No one knows what the future holds we just have to make the best of each day we are blessed. Every night I pray for one more day with my mom and that is all I can do. Help us make her life better than she think possible.
Kim
Also, it would be nice for some warning on such serious sad blogs. I read this at work and had to excuse myself due to not being able to hold back tears. But either way I need to know others fears to justify my own.

Joel and Martha said...

There are many times you are in our thoughts but we sometimes hesitate to ask in fear of tresspassing on your emotions. There is absolutely nothing we can do or say that will make you feel any better or help your situation. We just want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and we offer any support in any way we can.

stephani said...

These are questions that not only have no answers but should never ever have to be asked. I cry so hard everytime I read these blogs not for me and my personal pain or even yours Dad (no offence) but for Mom. She is the most wonderful, unselfish, caring, hilarious, kind person I have ever come to know and this has to happen to her... this is her fate. It pisses me off and brings me to my knees in pain. And then I remember as much as I hurt, as much as I hate this, it is not over, Mom is here. She is here now, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year but today she is. And I have made a personal promise to make everyone of those todays that she has left as best as I can. She deserves that not just from me but from everyone who has ever had the pleasure to know her.